Penarth Premium Pissheads Perambulation. A controlled descent from Roath to the Bay via one bullet train and several licensed premises.
Deviation from the sequence is permitted only where a better pub is spotted.
Scoring is likelihood against severity, then adjusted upwards for the fact that it is all of you.
| Likelihood | Minor | Moderate | Serious | Legendary |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Unlikely | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| Possible | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Likely | 3 | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| Certain | 4 | 8 | 12 | 16 |
Tap a hazard for control measures. Fourteen identified. Several are unavoidable.
The barrage offers roughly the same shade as a snooker table. Two members of the party are operating without factory fitted head insulation. Secondary hazard: glare reflected off a polished pate has previously been mistaken by shipping for a navigation light.
Control measuresThe legs are load bearing for the first six venues only. Beyond that they are decorative. Kerbs, cobbles, marina ramps and the Bay boardwalk all present opportunities that will be taken.
Control measuresThe crossing is roughly 25 minutes of open barrage with zero cubicles, high visibility from all sides, and families present. A strong wee strategy is not advisory. It is the single most important engineering control in this document.
The renaming of the Cardiff Bay Barrage to the Nigel Barrage will be funny the first time, funnier the fourth time, and by the eleventh time will constitute a genuine respiratory event. Known symptoms include silent wheezing, the crying laugh, and having to stop and hold a railing.
Control measuresThe rule states one drink per venue. It does not state a size, a strength, or what happens when the pub is nice and the sun is out and someone has already gone to the bar.
Control measuresThe bullet train is bullet in the sense of eventually arriving somewhere. A two car unit at 13:40 on a Saturday with a full crawl aboard is a hazard to everyone, including the two car unit.
Control measuresArriving at a station and immediately being in a pub removes the traditional transition period during which a person composes themselves. Risk of never leaving. Risk of announcing the departures out loud.
Control measuresSeaside gulls have studied us for generations and have concluded, correctly, that a man on his ninth pint cannot defend a pasty. Bald heads are additionally identified as landing platforms.
Control measuresStatistically the missing man is in the toilet of the last venue, or has met someone he knows, or has decided to buy a round in a pub the group left twenty minutes ago.
Control measuresA dead phone means no tickets, no taxi, no contactless and no proof that it happened. The last of these is the serious one.
Control measuresThis is the one genuinely serious entry in an otherwise unserious document. Alcohol, cold water and a barrage do not mix. Nobody goes near the edge, nobody swims, nobody climbs anything, nobody demonstrates anything.
Control measuresSomebody will buy four rounds and somebody will buy none, and by the Bay nobody will be able to work out which of them they are.
Control measuresFood judgement degrades in direct proportion to venues visited. Chilli sauce decisions made after 21:00 have a documented history of consequences that arrive the following day.
Control measuresThe stated finish time and the actual finish time will diverge. The message sent at 18:00 saying we are heading back soon is a legally distinct document from the arrival at 23:40.
Control measuresHazards 03 and 04 acting together on the barrage crossing represent the highest combined risk of the day. Do not tell the joke between the Custom House and the locks. The engineering could not have anticipated this loading.
In the event of an incident, remain calm, remain seated, remain in the pub.
First choice boozer in the Bay. If separated, go there and wait. Do not attempt to retrace the barrage in reverse.
Man down protocolWater, chips, fresh air, taxi. In that order. Nobody is left alone waiting for a taxi, and nobody is put in a taxi who cannot say their own postcode.
First aid provisionSuncream, plasters, paracetamol, a spare phone cable and one packet of Dioralyte for the winner.
Tick to confirm. This document is legally binding in the same way a pub quiz is.